A Random Scattering of Observations Regarding Intimate Relationships

by Jim Dolan 

6310 LBJ Freeway, #213

Dallas TX 75240

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Dolan.james@sbcglobal.net

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Over the last several years, I have heard myself making the same observations again and again to clients in therapy regarding the relationships with which I was helping them. It began with a few of those you will find below, but the observations began to expand as I came to realize that I had actually learned a few things from my own marriage, and from my work in marital therapy.

When people first hear these observations, particularly outside of the therapeutic setting, they often respond to them as if they were negative, or intended to bash or denigrate long term, committed relationships (formerly known as marriage).
 

Nothing could be further from the truth. But neither are they intended as testaments to the wonders of these relationships, however much I believe them to be one of the hallmarks of integrated adult life.

I truly believe that marriage (the legal formalization of these relationships) is only for those who can deal with the tests that it can throw its practitioners, and that it is perfectly fine to never marry. It is not for everyone, though that is a commonly held assumption.

Camus observed that the great decision to be made was whether or not to end one’s life.  Everything that would come after that was a consequence of that decision, and we would continue to be confronted by that issue throughout life.  In the same way, those who stay in long term relationship make the decision to accept the unknowable consequences of that decision, and sometimes will seek outside assistance to deal with them.

That decision, to stay in the relationship and not end it, however, is not one that an outside professional has any influence over.  It is a purely existential decision, to be made entirely by members of the relationship. The professional only steps in after the Camus-ian decision is made.
 

With that said, I set before the reader my random, orderless, and scattered observations regarding relationships. Please know: they are not finished; they are not right, or wrong; they are open to revision or retraction; the list can easily be added to or demolished.

These observations have nothing to do with Western civilization’s Romantic myth.  They are not intended as nostrums for the improvement of marriage.  However, as Buddhists know, to live is to suffer, and suffering becomes more tolerable once accepted.  And, yes, there is suffering in marriage, and that is no joke. 

There is no prescription for behavior here, but observations are made in the hypothetical case that those involved wish to continue the relationship, not end it.  In other words, if you wish your relationship to be a livable, workable, desirable place to be, then certain obligations fall to each party, and these are duly noted.

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	All relationships are screwed up. It is up to each member of the relationship to work at un-screwing it, whether the other seems to be doing the same or not.
All relationships are messes. In order to extract the maximum, one must fall completely into the mess, become covered in it, and then form a partnership with the other to get out of the mess. This is a project that cannot be completed in one lifetime.
	We cannot go back in our relationships. Evolution is inevitable, and only goes forward.
The purpose of commitment is freedom.
		What I owe my partner is the results of the exploration of my destiny.
In our relationships, we each respond to the inevitable pull of our individual destinies.
	The above causes problems that last a lifetime, even beyond death.
		The business of relationships is working out the problems that are caused by the relationship.
	We do not solve all the problems and then proceed; the problems are the relationship.
The onset of true intimacy is signaled by the arrival of problems; working together to solve these problems produces much of the joy of intimacy.
	You did not choose your partner.
	If you did choose based on a set of what you take to be desirable characteristics in an attempt to escape or minimize problems, you will become bored and want to leave. Your relationship will then resemble those which you wanted to avoid, i.e. problematical.
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	There is nothing your relationship should be — it is a formless mass out of which you and your partner, in moving toward individual destinies, create a destiny that you each have in common.
Every thought and feeling is shared somehow with your partner.
		Every thought and feeling has its negative somewhere in the psychic field created by the two of you.
The past is never truly past. The future is already here.
	Trying to have a relationship like that of others (including parents) is useless.
		As I seek intimacy, I am fleeing from it.
	My loved one is the enemy.
Having a somewhat normal relationship (flawed, screwed up, partial, yet enduring) is an act of near heroic proportions.
		To go beyond the above almost never happens.
Often, love is a form of murder.			top
	Admiration is a form of hatred.
		It is possible to scorn the Other's love for us, because we did not earn it.